Comments on: Saying Please

By: Jenn

Jenn — Fri, 28 Dec 2007 01:54:00 +0000

Emily- there are definitely times when we need them to get their shoes on. I try to phrase it in a respectful yet not optional way. “Get your shoes on, please.” If they are not wanting to, not listening, etc. I then put the option of “are you going to put them on by yourself or do you want me to help you?” This approach works well for us and they are still having some control over how it gets done.
Julie- I have seen it get to the point where said friends use the whole “listen and obey” line and I just about want to crawl out of my skin….

By: Julie

Julie — Thu, 27 Dec 2007 21:51:00 +0000

Jenn – I does bug me when I see parents insist that their children say certain words but then never say it themselves. Or to insist their kids immediately respond positively to their demands, but get upset if their children model those demands right back at them.

By: Emily

Emily — Thu, 27 Dec 2007 19:26:00 +0000

Richard Foster wrote about politeness in Celebration of Discipline, in the chapter about service. This and some of the other subtle acts of service (such as “guarding the reputations of others”) have been instructive to me. His point is just what you’re saying, that we acknowledge the dignity and humanity of the “other” when we form a pattern of considerate behavior.

Thanks for the encouragement to make the reason for our behavior clear to our kids from the start. And I am so thankful for a co-parent who helps me model respectful and considerate behavior and speech. I have found myself a little confused about how to avoid modeling a bit of demanding speech, however. Do I send the wrong message when I first ask “Please come here and put your shoes on” and then it all spirals into “I’m not asking you anymore, I am telling you. . .”?

By: Jenn

Jenn — Thu, 27 Dec 2007 16:31:00 +0000

We also have to remember to “model” what we are striving for. It’s hard to expect our children to do it if we don’t. We have friends who take the social “niceties” to the extreme (IMO), insisting that their children do the whole “May I please have….?” and they don’t get said item until it’s phrased in this way. Unfortunately, I’ve never been spoken to that way by the very people enforcing these manners! Just some food for thought.

By: Mike Clawson

Mike Clawson — Thu, 27 Dec 2007 07:10:00 +0000

You're probably right Maria, I don't think most pre-schoolers are going to grasp the concept of free-agency. But I'd rather give them the true answer to the question of why they should say please, and hope they'll understand it eventually, than give them a false answer that will be misleading to them down the road.

Also, as I think about it, you actually just might be able to explain free agency to pre-schoolers as long as you put it in their terms (like don't use the words "free agency"). You could explain that we ask people to do things, we don't tell them they have to; and that if we ask someone, we have to let them know it's okay for them to say "no", and that if they do say "no" we won't be mad, and that's why we say "please".

By: Maria

Maria — Tue, 25 Dec 2007 04:20:00 +0000

I don’t know that the pre-school crowd can make much of the idea of the other person (especially when that person is a parent) is a free agent. Of course, I tend to redouble my efforts to teach basic etiquette when I get tired of being ordered around like the lowest grunt in the Army. For me it comes down to respect. I don’t want my kids barking orders at people, least of all at me!